Distinguished Professor Gordon explains that Earth is being tormented by periodic "sex rays", which send people into a sexual frenzy. When one of the rays hits the passenger aircraft carrying Flesh Gordon and Dale Ardor, the pilots abandon the controls and everyone aboard has manic sex. Realizing no one is flying the plane, Flesh temporarily snaps out of the effects of the ray and tries to pilot the vehicle, to no avail. Seeing no other solution, he takes a parachute and escapes with Dale from the imminent crash. They land near the workshop of Dr. Flexi Jerkoff, who has a plan to stop the sex rays at their source. They travel to the planet Porno aboard Jerkoff's phallic rocket ship, and are briefly hit by a sex ray, resulting in a frantic three-way orgy. After being shot down by the minions of Emperor Wang, the heroes crash land. They run away from their pursuers and enter a nearby cave, where several one-eyed Penisauruses attack them. Wang's soldiers then shoot down the creatures and imprison the earthlings. They are brought before Wang, who is presiding over a sex orgy of more than a dozen men and women. Jerkoff is sent to work in the palace's laboratory, while Wang announces his intention to marry Dale. Flesh is sentenced to death, but is saved from execution by Queen Amora, who takes him as her sex slave. To achieve this, Amora takes Flesh to her ship, which departs for the stars while she hypnotizes him and they make love. Angry at her rebellious attitude, Wang shoots down Amora's airship, and Flesh is the only survivor. Jerkoff escapes the palace and reunites with Flesh, and they resume their efforts to defeat Emperor Wang. To aid them in their quest, Amora's spirit lends them her "power pasties", which turn out to be powerful weapons against Porno's soldiers. The heroes manage to interrupt Wang and Dale's wedding before it is fully realized, and a fight ensues. During it, Dale is kidnapped by Amazonian lesbians. Their leader, Chief Nellie, attempts to initiate Dale into their warrior sex cult. Flesh and Jerkoff save her, unexpectedly aided by Prince Precious of the Forest Kingdom. With help from their new ally, Jerkoff builds a weapon to destroy the sex ray. During the mission, they confront Wang and trick his "rapist robots" into turning on him. However, Wang escapes, seeking the aid of the towering idol of the Great God Porno. Porno comes to life and captures Dale, doing a running commentary like a jaded hipster as they flee. Shooting the living idol, Jerkoff frees Dale and causes the god to fall on Wang. The crash destroys the sex ray and kills them both. Flesh, Dale, and Jerkoff are celebrated as heroes of the planet Porno, thank Prince Precious (the true heir of planet Porno) and return to Earth.

Joe, Al, and Willie are three senior citizens who share a small apartment in Queens, New York City. Their days are spent on a park bench, and Joe is desperate to break the monotony. One day Joe suggests that they go on a "stick-up". They have no experience as criminals, but after some reluctance, the two others agree. Al surreptitiously borrows three pistols from the gun collection of his nephew Pete, who lives with his wife Kathy and two children Colleen and Kevin a few miles away. The trio, disguised with novelty glasses, pulls off the heist, netting $35,000. The excitement is too much for Willie, who soon suffers a fatal heart attack. Joe and Al give $25,000 to Pete and his family, claiming it is the proceeds from Willie's life insurance policy. They decide to splurge the remaining $10,000 on a trip to Las Vegas. Al and Joe win over $70,000 playing craps, but the trip, which they make right after Willie's funeral, exhausts Al and he dies in his sleep. Joe informs Pete that his uncle has died, then tells him about the bank heist and the Las Vegas adventure. He gives Pete the remaining bank loot and the Vegas winnings and tells him to store the cash in his safe deposit box and never tell anyone about it. The next day, on his way to Al's funeral, Joe is arrested. He confesses to the robbery but refuses to say what happened to the money. Pete visits Joe in prison and suggests giving back at least the stolen portion of the money in the hope of a lighter sentence. Joe explains that he is an old man with no family and, now, no friends, and is resigned to his fate. He tells Pete to enjoy his "inheritance", but while heading back to his cell, cheekily suggests that he plans to break out.

Trixie Zurbo is an eccentric woman who longs to quit her job as a security guard in a department store and become a private detective. She finally gets her wish when she takes a job in security at a casino. She accidentally becomes involved in a murderous plot and Trixie takes her first case; however, her unschooled command of the English language (malapropism) and comedy intervenes and the mess begins.

In 1462, Vlad Dracula returns from a victory in his campaign against the Ottoman Empire to find his beloved wife Elisabeta has committed suicide after his enemies falsely reported his death. A Romanian Orthodox priest tells him that his wife's soul is damned to Hell for her suicide. Enraged, Vlad desecrates the chapel and renounces God, declaring he will rise from the grave to avenge Elisabeta with all the powers of darkness. He then stabs his sword into the chapel's stone cross and drinks the blood that pours from it, becoming a vampire. In 1897, solicitor Jonathan Harker takes the elderly Transylvanian Count Dracula as a client from his colleague R. M. Renfield, who has gone insane and is now an inmate in Dr. Jack Seward 's asylum. Jonathan travels to Dracula's castle in Transylvania to arrange Dracula's real estate acquisitions in London. There, he meets Dracula, who finds a picture of his fiancée Mina Murray and believes she is Elisabeta reincarnated. Dracula leaves Jonathan to be fed upon by his brides, while he sails to England with Transylvanian soil, taking up residence at Carfax Abbey, which he recently purchased. In London, Dracula, in werewolf form, hypnotically seduces and bites Mina's best friend Lucy Westenra, with whom Mina is staying while Jonathan is in Transylvania. Lucy's deteriorating health and behavioral changes prompt former suitors Quincey Morris and Dr. Seward, along with her fiancé Arthur Holmwood to summon Dr. Abraham Van Helsing, Seward's mentor, who recognizes Lucy as being the victim of a vampire. Dracula, appearing young and handsome during daylight, meets and charms Mina. Mina develops feelings for Dracula, accompanying him on several outings. When Mina receives word from Jonathan—who has escaped the castle and recovered at a convent—she travels to Romania to marry him. A heartbroken Dracula transforms Lucy into a vampire. Van Helsing, Holmwood, Seward, and Morris kill the undead Lucy the following night. After he and Mina return to London, Jonathan and Van Helsing lead the others to Carfax Abbey, where they destroy the Count's boxes of soil. Dracula enters the asylum and kills Renfield for warning Mina of his presence. He visits Mina, who is staying in Seward's quarters, and confesses that he murdered Lucy and has been terrorizing Mina's friends. Though furious at first, Mina admits that she still loves him and remembers Elisabeta's previous life; at her insistence, Dracula begins transforming her into a vampire. The hunters burst into the bedroom, and Dracula, in a bat humanoid form, claims Mina as his bride before escaping as a swarm of rats. As Mina changes, Van Helsing hypnotizes her and learns via her connection with Dracula that he is sailing home in his last remaining box. The hunters depart for Varna to intercept him, but Dracula reads Mina's mind and evades them. Van Helsing and Mina travel to the Borgo Pass and the castle, while the other hunters try to stop the gypsies transporting Dracula. At night, Van Helsing and Mina are approached by Dracula's brides. Mina succumbs to their chanting and attempts to seduce Van Helsing. Before Mina can feed on his blood, Van Helsing places a communion wafer on her forehead, leaving a mark that slows her transformation. He surrounds them with a ring of fire to protect them from the brides, then kills the brides the following morning. Dracula's carriage arrives at the castle, pursued by the hunters. A fight between the hunters and Romani ensues. Morris is fatally stabbed in the back and Dracula bursts from his coffin at sunset. Jonathan slits his throat with a kukri knife while Morris stabs him in the heart with his knife. Van Helsing and Jonathan allow Mina to retreat with the Count while Morris dies in the arms of Seward, comforted by his friends. In the chapel where he renounced God, Dracula lies dying. He and Mina share a kiss as the candles adorning the chapel light up and the cross repairs itself. Dracula reverts to his younger self and asks Mina to give him peace. Mina thrusts the knife through his heart. As he dies, the mark on her forehead disappears, freeing her from his curse. She then decapitates him and gazes up at a fresco of Vlad and Elisabeta ascending to heaven together, finally reunited.

Initially narrated by the titular character through a flashback, Grendel (Peter Ustinov), the "Great Boogey", recounts how he first left his cave as a child and encountered the Danish King Hrothgar (Ed Rosser) and his thegns. After being rescued by his mother, Grendel ponders over the similarities he shares with the Danes, yet laments on their not being able to understand his language. He watches as Hrothgar's power and wealth grows, disgusted at his excesses and the royal Shaper 's (Keith Michell) revisions of history that present the king's underhanded and brutal achievements as glorious victories. Desperate to find meaning in life, Grendel encounters the dragon (Arthur Dignam), who informs Grendel that his sole purpose in life is to terrify humanity, thus stimulating human imagination and encouraging social cohesion. Grendel accepts his new role and regularly visits the king's mead hall to frighten Hrothgar's people and devour them. He stops short of killing the king himself and the warrior Unferth (Ric Stone), whose delusions of grandeur and passive opposition to the king amuse Grendel. Feeling sympathy for Hrothgar's miserable wife Wealhtheow, who is also the object of Unferth's secret affection, Grendel decides to finally kill Hrothgar and take her to his lair. Before Grendel can arrive, the meadhall is visited by the hero Beowulf (also voiced by Dignam), who kills Unferth on the increasingly paranoid Hrothgar's orders. Beowulf then ambushes Grendel and tears off his arm, leaving the monster to die outside, pondering over the accidental nature of his death.