The film essentially follows the storyline of the Soviet original, with Rathbone and Domergue replacing two Soviet actors in roles as space-station monitors of the primary action. The rest stars the remaining Soviet actors dubbed into English. In this retelling, it is 2020 and the Moon has been colonized. After traveling 200,000,000 miles, the first group of men land on Venus, where they find a mist-shrouded prehistoric world in which the crew are attacked by various monstrous creatures and giant plants.

The film recounts the exploits of notorious 18th-century criminal Jack Sheppard and London "Thief-Taker General" Jonathan Wild. The ending of the film is ambiguous, and suggests that Sheppard may have survived his execution and escaped to the Americas.

Stewart "P.C." Simpson (Burlinson) lives in a magnificent beachfront home and is an enthusiastic windsurfer, indulging his passion for windsurfing daily. His wealthy father (Tingwell) may fault P.C.'s inconsistency in working within the company he owns but can appreciate his son's remarkable abilities on the waves. With the help of his father's company's engineer Howard (Chilvers), P.C. develops a high-tech sailboard for the coming world windsurfing championship. Meanwhile, Jade (Kidman) is a rock singer who starts a relationship with P.C., but as their romance blooms, sport, friends, and the upcoming championship become secondary.

Having just served five years in the Gowanda Correctional Facility, Billy Brown returns home to Buffalo, New York, and is preparing to meet with his parents, who do not know he has been in prison. He kidnaps Layla, a tap dancer, and forces her to pretend to be his wife to his parents. He gives her the name "Wendy Balsam". When they meet with Billy's parents, Layla notices that the relationship between them is very dysfunctional, seeing Billy's mother forgetting he has a chocolate allergy (following a brief flashback when Billy was hospitalized after a severe allergic reaction due to his mother giving him chocolate) and his father behaving inappropriately toward her. She learns that Billy's mother has never missed a Buffalo Bills game, except in 1966, on the day Billy was born. In a flashback, it is revealed that Billy once placed a reckless $10,000 bet on the Bills to win Super Bowl XXV; when they lost, the bookie forced Billy to clear his debt by confessing to a crime he did not commit, resulting in his time served in prison. Now, Billy seeks revenge on Scott Wood, the kicker who lost the game. As they leave his parents' house, Billy scolds Layla for telling an obvious lie to his father, and then decides to go bowling. There, Billy shows off his expertise at the sport, and Layla performs a tap dance routine to King Crimson 's " Moonchild ". The two use a photo booth to take photos "spanning time" which Billy intends to send to his parents once a year, but Billy becomes annoyed when Layla makes silly faces during the photos, in contrast to Billy's straight face. After bowling, Billy and Layla visit a Denny's restaurant, where Billy encounters the real Wendy Balsam, a woman he used to have a crush on in middle school, who is now happily in a relationship with another man. Billy leaves Layla alone in the diner after a brief argument, but regretting his outburst, returns and apologizes to her. Billy and Layla check into a motel, where Billy and Layla have a deep conversation, and eventually admit that they have fallen in love with each other, and they both go to sleep. A few hours after midnight, Billy is about to leave to exact his revenge on Wood, when Layla awakens. Despite Layla's doubts that he will return and proclamation of her love for him, he leaves, lying to her that he will return in a few minutes with hot chocolate for her. Shortly after leaving Layla at the motel, Billy calls his best friend Goon (who prefers to be called Rocky) and gives him the combination to his locker. Billy then hangs up and finds Scott Wood, now the owner of a topless bar. At the bar, he walks over to Wood's table and shoots him before shooting himself. His parents are then shown sitting by his grave with his mother more interested in a Buffalo game on the radio than in her own son's death. However, this is all shown to be in Billy's head, and he leaves the bar without shooting Wood. Billy realizes that in Layla he has found someone who truly loves him. After making amends with Goon on a payphone, Billy elatedly buys Layla her hot chocolate and a heart-shaped cookie, and buys another for a man sitting nearby who tells him he has a girlfriend, before returning to Layla at the motel.

The diminutive Agent 00, the number 1 agent from the Secret Agency, is provided with a number of new hi-tech gadgets from his boss, and then sent to stop the mysterious warlord Mr. Giant, who has just kidnapped Dr. Kohler, a foreign scientist visiting Manila to offer his latest invention, the N-Bomb, to the government. Mr. Giant intends to use the lethal weapon to take over the world, but Agent 00 is ready to stop him. He can count on the help of Irma, a fellow agent who has infiltrated Mr. Giant's criminal organization, working for the drug traffickers that are headed by a gangster named Cobra. This leads to many battles between Agent 00 and the villain's henchmen. Once Irma's cover is blown, she is taken prisoner as a bait and sent to Mr. Kaiser, Mr. Giant's second-in-command, who keeps her in his lair. In order to find Kaiser, Agent 00 enlists the help of other Bond girl types, such as night club enthusiast Anna and criminal reporter Marilyn, romancing his way to their allegiance. After flushing out and killing criminal bosses of increasing importance, and all of their henchmen, Agent 00 reaches Kaiser, but by then Irma has been shipped to Hidden Island, Mr. Giant's super-secret lair. After finding the secret location of the island, Agent 00 uses a prototype size-compatible jet pack to get there, and calls for reinforcements. He confronts and kills Mr. Giant himself (who is revealed to be a dwarf himself, although taller than Agent 00), then along with the squad of agents from the Secret Agency, Agent 00 and Irma clean the island of all remaining henchmen. However, right after a freed Dr. Kohler has finally reached safety, Irma is shot and killed. In the final scene, Agent 00 is seen paying respect on her tomb.

In Paris, Eddie Vuibert (Richard Anconina) is an unemployed man in financial difficulty. A rich Jewish cloth manufacturer takes Eddie into his corporation out of pity because he mistakenly believes him to be Jewish as well. Eddie rapidly integrates in the Parisian Jewish textile community and rises as a sales manager. He continues his masquerade of pretending to be Ashkenazi Jew in order to woo his boss's daughter (played by Amira Casar).

Richard "Richie" Twat (Rik Mayall) and Edward "Eddie" Elizabeth Ndingombaba (Adrian Edmondson) run the Guest House Paradiso, the worst guest house in the United Kingdom. Following a staff exodus, the hotel begins rapidly bleeding customers, until the arrival of the Nice family, headed by Mr. Nice (Simon Pegg), and the famous Italian actress Gina Carbonara (Hélène Mahieu), on the run from her ill-tempered and criminal fiancé, Gino Bolognese (Vincent Cassel), reverse their fortunes. Due to the chef stealing all the food, Richie and Eddie resort to collecting radioactive fish salvaged from the nearby nuclear power station's lorries to serve for supper. Meanwhile, Gino tracks down Gina thanks to her residency being promoted to attract more guests. After convincing Gina to a sudden elopement, Gino then tries to rape her. However, after having consumed the radioactive fish, Gino, and the other guests at the hotel, suddenly grow violently ill. After discovering the disastrous effects their dinner is having, Richie and Eddie prepare their escape, but not before rescuing Gina from Gino. Gino proceeds to get caught in the crossfire of the projectile- vomiting guests, which pushes him out a window and off a cliff, where he meets his demise. Just before they can flee, government agents arrive, intending to enact a cover-up, and offer Richie and Eddie £10 million, first-class tickets to the Caribbean, and new identities for them and Gina, in exchange for their silence, which they promptly accept. In a post-credits scene, the three are at a beach bar called the Beach Bar Paradiso, where Eddie winks to the camera and says only Gino died, otherwise there'd be "a moral question-mark hanging over our escape."